Get Real

After the random meeting with the lady who was mean a couple of weeks ago, I felt really bad for the way that I reacted to the situation. Obviously hurting somebody else because they hurt us is not the right decision.

The next day at church, Pete was talking about a lot of good stuff that I can’t recall right now, but I remember him reading parts of Jude to us. Jude 1:22-23 stuck with me. “Be merciful to those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire, to show others mercy mixed with fear – hating even the clothing stained by corrupt flesh” (this last part – the hating part means hating the sin, not the person). I should back up and tell you that in the beginning of this letter, Jude tells us that he was going to talk to us about salvation, but felt compelled to talk to us about our faith that we must maintain and strive for – and the urgency to keep our faith so that we can lead others back to God.

I took a few things away from this – I should be snatching her from the fire instead of throwing her in. And also, the urgency for believers to stay on the path.

Romans 12 and Luke 6:27-36 came up the next day and then two weeks after that incident. I hate it when I mess up, but I know that God is trying to teach me something here. I am going to be obedient and listen to His word and remember my values and the purpose believers have been given. The purpose is to go out and make disciples, and I can do that best if I am attentive to what Jesus wants for me and humble in my words and actions.  I want to be a person of peace.

I’m Going to be Real with You.

Today I ran into a certain someone whom I’ve only seen one other time in my life that I know of, and who I don’t even know her first name. She bullied me around the other night, belittled me, talked down to me, and spoke ill about others who can’t even defend themselves. I don’t know her, but yet, she hurt me. She pissed me off. She bullied me. My blood was boiling and my heart was pounding out of sheer disbelief and fear of what I might do. I told my husband that if I wasn’t a Christian, that I would have beat the crap out of her. I can’t lie to you and tell you that I felt compassion and love for her at first. Maybe not even now. How do I love on someone who tries to kick me around and will only be happy when I am crying helpless on the ground? I know that God wants me to have compassion for people who behave badly – and even more so for people who treat me badly. But, all I could feel at that moment was my blood, boiling to the point to where my hands were shaking like they were the other night. My brain felt like noodles. I couldn’t make sense of anything that I was saying except to tell her that she was a jerk. Yes, I said that. I said things much worse to my husband who helped me to not feel alone by telling me a story of when he was in the same sort of situation. My heart hurt so much. I wanted to defend myself, I wanted to make her hurt like she hurt me, but I know it’s not right. None of it is right. I feel so confused by my feelings and the contradiction of what I must do.

I can’t fill my heart with anger and hatred. Jesus didn’t hate those who persecuted him, he didn’t want to beat the crap out of them and make them hurt like he hurt. When he was being crucified, he asked God to forgive the ones who were killing him (Luke 23:34). Jesus was placed on the cross and asked God to forgive the people who were putting him to death. If Jesus can look for justice through the Lord than through the justice that his flesh may have/could have (our flesh) initially crave, I should be praying for God to forgive this woman who does not know the pain she causes.

It is so hard to turn my anger into love. That is the complete opposite of the other feeling at hand. I hope that I don’t run into this woman again, but if I do, what should I do? I could ignore her totally and keep praying for her. That is the only alternative I can see right now. Part of me wants to tell her how destructive her behavior is, but I don’t foresee any resolution in that, because those who do not know right from wrong will not see the sense in that.

Please pray for my heart to have compassion for this woman who has attempted to bring me down. Please pray that I will have a heart for her, that I will be reminded that my heart was once lost to being a slave to sin. I pray that she will find a change of heart, that her eyes will be opened to the love of Jesus Christ, that it will mean more to her than just Sundays at church and heaven, I pray that Jesus will be her world because he created her heart. She was beautifully and wonderfully made…even though she hurt me and said nasty things, God made her to glorify Him. Even though she wants to see me fall, God loves her like He loves me.

Thank you for your prayers.

Kim.

The First Day of the Rest of the Semester

Tomorrow is the first day of spring semester classes for me. I should have been in bed an hour ago, but I got caught up in cleaning our other bedroom. It looks a lot better except that now our desk is a disaster, but at least we can walk into the bedroom and sit on the futon. School is gonna be good this semester; all of my classes are ones that I am interested in and I hope it doesn’t kick my butt too much. Gonna be working too, but it’ll be more limited since I’m taking on more than I am used to. I am really gonna submerse myself into design stuff so that I can find where I fit into in that world. My goal is to work for myself. I almost wrote, ‘if possible’ and that wouldn’t be true. It is possible. I can do it. Josh is a great motivator and encourager for me in this goal.

The other night Josh and I were reading Romans and somehow we got onto the topic of trying to understand the concept of God and us humans wrapping our brain around that. I can’t even begin to imagine what God is. He’s the Alpha and Omega, I think that is as much sense as it can make…it’s easier to understand Jesus because he was a person. Anyway, we were talking and read in Exodus about how when Moses went up to the mountain to write the 10 Commandments and how when he saw the Lord his face “shone.” It was so illuminated that he frightened other people and had to wear a veil while around them. That was pretty amazing and just a small idea of what it would be like to be in the presence of God. I liked that we sat and studied Romans and then the conversation spurred on more. It was good. I enjoy our time together reading the Bible, it’s a time to be close to one another and to God.

I’m pretty tired and need to get some sleep so that I can get through tomorrow. There are road detours to be taken, shuttles to maybe ride to my off campus classes, a lunch to pack, and yes, you get the idea.  Still have to find some time to run outside to prepare one more time for Thursday night’s Polar Bear run in Crown Point. Choy, choy, choy!

 

Suit Up

Lately I’ve been asking myself all kinds of questions, feeling all kinds of feelings, and thinking all kinds of thoughts.  I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself through the past few months. It’s hard. It’s hard to confront things that I never thought to confront. There are some things about me that I want to change and grow out of, and the tough thing is that I don’t always know how I am supposed to do that. There is no formula for how I should do this. All I know is that I am going to figure it out. That is one thing that I like about myself. For the most part, I can be very self aware. Regardless of how I became that way, I am now using it to my advantage – growing to be a better me, for me.

Recently I have realized that I put my value into what others think of me, how they feel about me, etc., rather than what I know my value is. Today I also discovered that I had a hard time relaying to my counselor what my value is. And then I cried for a minute. I didn’t know why.  My homework was to write what is valuable about Kim Epperson. Everything I could think of went back to my relationships and how God values us, but it was hard to get in there and tell uniquely why I’m cool. I am going to redo my homework. I need to know that I am awesome aside from what anyone else thinks or feels. I’m supposed to pretend like I’m Barney Stinson from “How I Met Your Mother,” and talk about why I am so awesome. I couldn’t do it! I felt really uncomfortable.

At least for now, I know what I should do. It’s just a matter of figuring out just how I am supposed to do this that is puzzling.

 

 

 

 

 

Fruits of the Spirit Boot Camp

Tonight at work was really crazy. Coworkers were moody and complaining, and then things got fun for a while…laughing, exchanging phone numbers, working as a team (at times). And then things got coo coo. Not really, but kind of. Ok, so people like to leave tracts at work for us in hopes that we will accept Jesus that way. I don’t understand the logic in this. I know intentions may be good, but tracts are not effective. How would you feel if someone came up to you and told you how you are sinning  and wrong and you need to change? People don’t want to hear how wrong they are. Actions speak more than words do. If people see that you are different – that you don’t feed into the garbage that everyone else does, that basically you exemplify something that they don’t see very often, most will ask questions about you/your life/your niceness and kindness. I know that when I was ready, during my time as a person seeking after more in life, I asked questions and was ready to change. Nobody ever told me through a tract that I was a “scuzzball” (yes, that was actually on the tract….not calling the reader a scuzzball, but just as one of the quotes on the outside of the paper), and nobody from my church or the Monday night group ever told me that I was  a sinner. They simply were my friend and they lived their life for God in a way that made me ask questions and want that for myself. There was a crazy conversation at dinner after work about Christians and and Jews and someone making light of being saved and that he would be ok with lots of hot girls wanting to save him by having sex with him. ugh. It made my heart sink and I felt like tears were going to start for a minute there. I couldn’t sit back and let this person bash Christians. I told him that it’s sad that this is how they wanted to relate to you, that it makes Christians look bad to you, but that that’s not what it’s about…that if a person is ready to hear about Jesus, they will ask questions and be in a place where they want to receive that. I think I said it more eloquently here, but that was it in a nutshell. It’s a hard place to be sometimes, where I work at. I feel the push and pull of tension and hostility, attempts at selflessness and love. Tonight I felt like I didn’t know what to do with myself, I was beside myself in sadness and at the same time, and for the first time, I felt more ready and had the confidence to say what God would have me to. Because I pray that when these opportunities arise, that God would give me the wisdom to speak when I should and be silent as well.  I almost feel like I’m in a bootcamp of sorts with the fruits of the spirit…There are times when I am thinking things that I should not say out of frustration, there are times where loving on people and being kind to them comes so easy, and now I am learning to hold my tongue and to love on people and be gentle and forgiving even when they make it so freaking hard to. Even when I think that I just wanna get away from them because they are annoying me. And there are those times when all I want to do is say what I really think, without remembering how God waited on me and was patient for my love. God places us in the world to to minister, but not to become like the world. God didn’t try to get away from the poor and the sick, the people who nobody liked, he didn’t hang out with just his friends the apostles.  It’s hard you guys. But it’s not worth giving up. Oh no. This leads me into a thought I had a few weeks ago, and was inspired to write and to share…with…who? I don’t know. It’s all on a piece of paper in our spare bedroom. But basically it is about the Sauls in our lives. Don’t give up on them. I was like Saul and now my life is totally changed…I’m in Paul mode now….well kinda (I’m not saying that I am like Paul by far, but just that I am a changed person). The decision to change anything in your life is only one moment, you can do that now..now, or right now….but the transformation is a process. Even though it can be hard to be in this sort of environment, it’s good, because I believe that this is where I am called to be and I will let God use me however he wants. Please pray for my friendships that are starting to form there, and for myself and that I would be a good example for others, for humility and selflessness. And also, thanks to whoever still reads this blog…

Say Yes to your Dreams, Goals, and Visions.

I think I want to put this verse up in our house somewhere,

“This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do Not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (NLT)

It is a great reminder of the power we have to succeed and persevere through Christ, and we have this strength all of the time because the Holy Spirit lives in us.  What comes in between us and God? Giving Him our cares and worries enables us to trust without the “what ifs” we hold onto. Giving it all up allows God to work on us as he has planned to.

These days I have a deep passion inside of me for a revolution of change. I don’t know what that looks like yet and what it exactly means. I do know that God is moving inside of my heart and when he reveals to me where I should put all of this passion, I pray for something beautiful to come of it that only comes from Him.   And so I think of God’s command to Joshua, and am reminded of his presence comforting, guiding, and strengthening us day by day. He gives us purpose and gifts, and in that is a whole lotta awesome that is beyond anything we could ever imagine.

Cha Cha Real Good

Last night was really good for the Eppersons. We had dinner with Josh’s boss and his wife, went to Amy’s to hang out for a bonfire and enjoyed the company of our friends, and then Josh and I went out on a date. Josh and I danced. Yes, you just read that. DANCED. I discovered at Marco and Emily S.’s wedding that my husband can do the cha cha! You know, that kind of little dancey move in one of those line dances frequently played in weddings and up in the club.  I am so excited by this new discovery that my husband – who does not like to dance – doesn’t like to because he can’t dance, but because he just doesn’t like dancing! haha. So we went out last night and part of the evening involved us dancing for close to 45 minutes or so. We got pretty crazy doing funny dances and we’re pretty sure that everyone was staring at how awesome our moves were. One thing about marriage is that you get to learn the ins and outs of a person and how wonderfully they were made. And even if Josh wasn’t made to be a dancin fool, he can certainly shake it like a Polaroid picture!

Today was my niece’s 7th birthday party (her bday is on the 31st) and it is so crazy to think about how much she has grown up. And now little River is walking and beginning to say more words. The children in our family are growing up! I wonder a lot about what it will be like when Josh and I have kids. I think about what kind of unique child or children God will bless us with…their gifts, their personalities, and just everything about them. It’s something we are looking forward to. But, until then…it’s just us. And that is just fine.

God is God

I have papers due on Wednesday – to finish off the semester and I can’t focus or get motivated to write any of them. It’s kind of the end of semester syndrome. I don’t wanna do any of it anymore. I think last week was the last official week for me! But alas, it is not, and I must continue to write. I should not be writing on here, but on the word doc I just made to answer question number one.

Dang. All I wanna do is make things right now. I saw another cool necklace on JCrew’s website that I am trying to figure out how to modify, I have some burlap-coffee sacks – I will turn in you into something rad- ideas floating in my head, and also I’m thinking about sprucing up the kitchen in a special way before Josh comes home. I haven’t told him about this idea, but if he reads this, then I guess he could find out that way. Or maybe since he lives here too, that he’d notice when he gets home. haha. We shall see. I still have to finish my night stand that I started spray painting. I was too close and the paint dripped, there’s spots too. It just didn’t turn out as I had hoped, so I’ve got to finish it up so I can move on to other crafty endeavors.

I have these times where God is really trying to get my attention. It’s almost relentless (definitely in a good way); He is consistent with speaking to me as I have been praying about something dear to my heart for a while. It sucks when you feel like you aren’t making an impact in the people you are ministering to. I think that thought was crossing my mind a lot, along with just being unsure of what God’s plan is in the bigger picture. That can be frustrating for a person like me who always wants to know “Why.” I don’t  need to know why right now. He’s been telling me that, and his message to me came full circle and made sense last Sunday at church when Frank and Pete sang this song. I can’t remember what it’s called and all of the words, but it was talking about how God is God and I am not. I’m not. He uses me but I am not in charge of what happens in this world. I try so hard to take control of things, and if they don’t go as I prayed it would, it can be disheartening and frustrating. But I do know that sometimes bad makes good, and sometimes bad things happen and we don’t know why. It’s hard not to know why. But good to have faith that God has purpose for our pain. I’ve been reading about Job lately to help better understand my questions, along with “The Reason For God.” I’m feeling that I can let go of some of my why questions and be ok with not knowing. I pray that I do find some peace in that.

 

This past week I heard a couple of verses from Revelation three separate times. It’s Revelation 21 and 22. Tonight I told Sara S. about it and she was like, whoa weird, what do you think that means? And I said, I think it means it’s really gonna happen. haha. Revelation 21:4 is one of them: He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.  That one kinda goes with all the stuff in the previous paragraph.

Ok, that’s enough writing and thinking; it’s late. One more thing -this guy on Jimmy Fallon just gave everyone a new laptop. What’s up with that? Luckies.

 

Talking it Through

I gotta get into bed. We decided to start this new thing where we go to bed at a decent time and get up early(er) in the morning. I think I’ll read or watch tv real quick and go to bed. Today was kind of an off day, but that’s ok because there’s only an hour and 45 minutes left of it and I’ve got a new day to look forward to. It’s called, Tuesday.

The book that I’m reading is causing me to think a lot about things that I never thought much about in the past, and to understand things that I was misinformed on from previous churches. It’s good and I am enjoying talking it through with Josh and other people, and hopefully soon with my friends that I’m reading the book along with.

Sometimes I want to write some really personal things here, but I’m not sure if that would be wise or not. It’s just things that I’m working through, stuff I am overcoming, and trials in my life. A few other  blogs that I read, the people talk very openly about their vices/habits/addictions and how God is helping them to overcome. I would really like to be able to do that someday. Not to share just to hang my dirty laundry everywhere, but in hopes that my struggles would show others that they are not alone. I’ve received that encouragement from many people in the past couple years, and even people who I don’t know whose blogs I read. I think God knows who we need at what time in our life, and I’m thankful for His plans – the awesome ones and the tough ones.

I am also going to start tonight a plan for improving my discipline for reading the Bible. Because I rarely do read it and I feel that the lack of it is something that comes in between me and God. I put other things first. So that’s one thing I will try to stay accountable for. You should ask me if I’ve done it periodically just to keep me on track. ) Whenever I do read the Bible, I do feel that He is speaking to me and guiding me for just what I am needing at that point in my life. It’s kind of amazing.

I’ve been sitting here for a couple minutes trying to think if there was anything else I should write about, but I think that lag in time means I’m done.

OHHH wait! over a year ago, I lost my most favorite earrings salsa dancing and I thought I’d never find a replacement. But, today I was at Kohl’s and they had the earrings and they were the last ones and yes, they are now mine! Yay!

 

Good Day!

 

 

Cakes Gone Wrong

Today I tried to make four mini-bundt cakes for my uncle’s going away party, but I over filled the molds and had cake batter leaking all over the oven. Lucky thing we had a sheet of foil at the bottom of the oven so it’s not too terrible of a mess. Good one, right? Hopefully it’ll taste good. Now they look like cakes with muffin tops and you can’t see the hole that makes them bundty.

Also, I’ve got a job that is going to allow me to go to school full time. Yay! I am excited about finishing my degree and thinking about participating in a design project for IUN as well. I should just go for it, because I really need the practice and to find my niche. I remember finding my niche in painting class. Every time I tried to paint a still-life, it was no good. I just couldn’t grasp any of the objects on paper and it was quite frustrating.  But one day we had a girl sit in to model for us and I got to paint her and all of my creativity just poured out. It was encouraging, and so I am looking forward to trying out different avenues of design.