Still having trouble sleeping and shutting my brain off at night.  I would really love to get back on track again and not feel so stressed out.  Without my friends and family this would be so much more difficult than it already is.  Most days I am doing alright and remain optimistic and don’t let stuff get me down, but lately it has been hard and at times I feel like I can barely tread the water.  Even though things get bad sometimes, I am determined not to let it defeat me. Today it helped that my niece Emma gave me a billion hugs and told me she loves me.  She doesn’t have a clue as to what I am going through right now, but knew I needed a hug.  Please pray that I get an interview next week and get hired.  I am so very thankful for all of your love and support, friendship, and open ears and hearts.  Praying and believing that 2010 will be a year of wonderful changes and lots of happiness.

Kimmy

Today:

Woke up at 9a…texted…slept…phone call…slept…got up…dyed hair…ate a panini…shoveled the snow…went to the gym…elliptical was easy on the Franklin House ankle…ahhh felt good ran hard…sweaty….can’t wait for next year to start some races…off to walmart….taco meat-cherry coke-salt for the driveway…kohls = thanks mama for the dineros…bought myself some sweet ass sexified Christmas boots…is that a such thing?…cleaning up…putting on furry red sweater…and new boots…puppies go night night…I’m goin out.

So today it was one thing after another….my car battery was acting up, the lady at the McDonald’s drive thru did not know what to do with herself when I asked her for a little cup of mustard since they have no packets ( i ♥ mustard…ranch too but that’s another love story). She had to get the manager to ask me about my mustard request, and she was none to happy at that. After that I was trying to eat fries, do something with my phone and turn the steering wheel at the same time. Somehow, because my day was heading this way, the cover to the horn on the steering wheel popped off and just dangled there. I go, REALLY? Then I started laughing and put the cover back on. I thanked the mustard nazi and told her I appreciated her giving me my mustard, and I was super duper happy when the mechanics told me I just needed the clamp tightened around the battery and did not have to purchase a new battery after all. Those guys were my life savers today.  Any one of these occurrences could have really pissed a person off.  Laughing at it all allowed me to brush it off my shoulders (like a pimp) and go on with my day.  I had a very nice evening visiting with a few friends too. Life is good, no matter how many little or big crappy things happen. There is always another door opening where one closed. I finished some homework and am going to get in bed…pretty sure I am going to zonk out and won’t have to fight my insomnia off with chocolate on a stick.

I’m not sure what to write about tonight.  I’m sitting here listening to music and thinking to myself, look at you now.  My mom keeps telling me that I look so relaxed and happy. It feels so good to feel that way again.  There are still things I am stressed about, but every time I get uneasy or impatient I remind myself to slow down and be thankful for what I have been given.  Everything else will come in time; I have to let go and be here now. It’s really that simple. Ok, so this was a friendly service announcement to be thankful and give out lots of warm fuzzies. Word up and Peace out bitches.

When life throws up all over you, it’s easy to sit in a corner and cry. Cry for yourself, the way you thought your life was supposed to go, cry for the time you spent and at times feels wasted, and worst of all, crying because you feel bad for yourself.   Sometimes when my thoughts catch up with me, I sit and cry and wonder why at this point in my life when I should be semi-established with finishing school, a home, and other wants in life, I am not. My tears are not for my previous relationship; my former life did not provide as much happiness as I wanted – I am glad to be free of it.  Some days I feel more positive than others…I try not to think of the 8 years as wasted but as a learning experience. What can I take away from that time in my life and apply it to the new path I am on?

I know that everything I need in life will be provided by God, and that I should not worry because he said he would not leave us hanging.  It feels strange to pray again, and to reconstruct my belief system back to my roots…back to where I started as a young girl. For many years I have felt a spiritual hole in my heart that I ignored so that I would not have to deal with God. I felt like I didn’t need God to have a happy life.  I feel so wrong and ridiculous for thinking that, because within the past few months I have been so blessed. I am not a perfect person by any means, and I have made mistakes that I wish I could take back. But all I can do is move on to the next day and live it better than the day before that.  I had lived so long without close friends, and within a few weeks I have been given some of the most awesome people to have the chance to know. Our friendships are still young, but I am praying that they will grow and I will find the love and connection I have been looking for in others, and be able to give that back in return.

I am praying for a revolution of my heart.  It is hard for me to relearn and understand that God is here and has always been around. I just haven’t been listening. I want to open my ears and listen to what is in store for me, and the purpose he is giving to me. I feel like I am on the verge of something great. I just don’t know what it is yet and that is ok – part of the lesson in patience that I am supposed to be learning. I am praying to build faith and patience, and to remember to share the love I have in my heart with everyone.

The tears I cry these days are because sometimes the going gets tough – bills that start to add up, waiting for more income to roll in, not having a place of my own to call home yet, and loneliness can really get to me. These fears and frustrations can be rolled up nice and neat in a little nap sack and thrown back up to God. Reminding myself that I don’t have to carry these burdens on my shoulders everyday and trust that these issues will be resolved gives me a reason to smile and start thinking about all of the ways I have truly been blessed.  I will use my time alone to reflect and grow.And one day I will look back at this moment in my life and say, I made it through this junko – and my life is so much better because of it.

Kimmy

My 29th Birthday with my sis Krystal.

I am reminding myself to take things day by day, developing some patience, is a lesson I know I am supposed to be learning right now. Everyday I struggle with this. I want to know how my life is going to turn out right now, instead of accomplishing my daily goals and setting a few for the immediate future. I feel like Michael W. Smith…trying to find My Place in This World…haha….that made me laugh.  I truly am metamorphosing everyday into the woman that I want to be. Some days are better than others, and that is ok. It’s exciting to see positive changes in my heart and mind and know that I’ve got my head on my shoulders and I will be just fine. Some day I will find the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I would love to have a beautiful family and cherish those happy moments forever like snapshots in an album.  I am coming to understand that I am finding happiness in things I had shut out of my life for so long, and finally feel like I am starting on a path toward being good old Kimmy once again. Just be patient and these things will happen in time….right? Right.

Kimmy

What would I do without Pandora Radio? I can zone out, work on my design projects and it doesn’t feel like anything else in the world matters except for what I am doing at that very moment. Realizing that this time in my life will pass has been hard to believe. I know that everything will not be this way forever and it’s just a matter of letting myself live each day seperately from the next and not overthinking. Overthinking things is what messes me up inside and I am tired of doing that to myself. Things are already going pretty good considering the circumstances. I finally have my own car after 8 long years of trying to find rides. I have my independence; I have a lot going for me.

I keep seeing this sign out in Valpo for a Huge Sale and from afar it looks like Huge Slut. Or maybe that is just my goofy mind at work again. Every time I see it I crack up in my head. Then I think, what if people put signs up all over the place advertising their random thoughts?  Huge Slut, I’m Hungry, That Cake Was Good, Put The Seat Down, You Don’t Know My Life….

These are things I think about to entertain myself.

Peace.

5 months have gone by and what the hell. I started school, I got a job, and my life has changed more than I ever thought it actually would. John and I broke up – been almost a month since that happened. If you know me, you know what happened. I’m not going to retell the story for the whole internet to read. All you need to know is that things change, people change, and the breakup was a long time coming whether we wanted to accept that or not.  I am happy now, and so is he…as happy as we can be til life gets normal again…whatever normal is(!) Life will be peachy once again and our futures are not held back by the problems we could never fix…or would never fix. I feel like I missed out on a lot of experiences and was headed down a path that I wasn’t ready for and did not want anymore. I need some time to find out who I am, what I want, and have some fun. I have nothing to my name, but I have everything I could want at the same time. I have new friends and old friends, I have my family, and most importantly I have my freedom.

Lately I have had a lot of word vomit (saying things that should stay inside of my head and not outside of my head)…please disregard it and know that I am a human who is transitioning. I know you know that. Just sayin. Now that I am starting to settle myself inside, I have time to concentrate on my design projects and start to create more stuff so that I can join AIGA and start to realize my goals. I know that I have not put 100% of myself into my work but that is to be expected right now. It’s time to get my ass going and create, create, create. First I need my own computer…anybody have an extra one lying around? I will pay you in hot sauce. So, here is to being honest with myself and continuing to be awesome.  Thanks to everyone who has been there for me. Your love and compassion have not gone unrecognized.

Yesterday I let the dogs out into the backyard to do their business after dinner. I opened the screen door and let them race around, then I stepped out and noticed that there were two ducks chillin out in the grass. It looked like maybe they were trying to take a nap. Rocky and Charlie were about 3 feet away from the ducks, and I seriously thought that they would attack them since they are always going nuts to chase birds and squirrels….oh and cats too, now that the neighbor has an outdoor cat. Surprisingly, Charlie and Rocky just stood there – unsure of how to proceed in the attack of an innocent duck and mesmerized that they didn’t fly away – they just sat there. They sat there until I ran outside and started screaming, NO! WAIT! DON’T MOVE! ROCKY! CHARLIE! JOHN! HELP! DUCKS!!! John was just waking up from a nap and came running downstairs. By that time the ducks had flown away. I told John what happened when he reached the back door. He laughed and said he wished he could have seen the ducks. I said that I don’t know why I got so scared about the dogs attacking the ducks; I forgot that ducks can fly.

The moral of the story is: A dog with four legs is slower than a duck with two wings, and a lady who cries duck is an entertaining sight altogether.

Thursday is my last final exam of the semester and I am ready to be done! I’ve been ready since last week – I had two projects and one final that week. This week feels like summer break is in full swing minus the final exam tomorrow which is kind of equivalent to going to see the doctor during the summer. No fun I say. No fun at all. It will be done soon enough and then I can de-stress and move on to other projects that await. It’s almost midnight and I am forgetting how to spell, so I will leave you with some random facts about my day:

1. I dropped my plastic mug-of -pop into the bathroom sink. It got all over the counter, wall, and objects on the counter. The bathroom isn’t the most ideal room to bring beverages into anyhow.

2. I went to the ortho to get my rubber band hook fixed and turns out my bracket was open on that tooth, the tooth moved to where it was not supposed to be, and they had to take out the wire and put a different one in. Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! **said in Gomer Pyle voice**

3.  I was trying to put away my tv table (mini tables you eat food on in front of your tv, good habit, huh?) and it got stuck, then slammed shut, then hit my leg, I fell against a chair, and the dogs, oh those sweet sweet dogs – came to my rescue. They wagged their tails and tried to lick me back to health. (That’s what she said…ok that was gross but I had to say it!It’s a line from the U.S.’s The Office in case you didn’t catch that.)

4. I got my eyebrows waxed this afternoon, and every time my stylist pressed the paper down on the wax, the anticipation of her pulling it off and the slight ripping sound to follow made me laugh because I knew it was coming any second and it was going to be uncomfortable. I let out a blurt of laughter right before she ripped the paper off, and the laughter made me laugh, and I think you get the point.

5. Time for bed….goodnight all!